I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
