Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
