You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
