it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
