My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
