My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
