Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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