The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
