Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
