And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
