sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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