If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Randomize
