haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
