The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
