Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
