i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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