I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
