She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
