I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Alive.
So much puke
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
