I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
