I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
