Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
