Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
