Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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