im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
