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after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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