this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
