Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
