My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
