arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
MIDGETS
????
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
