Your face is a jimmy john
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
