Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
