The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
