My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
