I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
