Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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