Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He better not be in your backpack
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize