Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
