My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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