i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
