Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
