I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
