Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
