Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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