Im at strip club and am horny
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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