just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
