I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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