Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
