Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
