Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
